my baby-making days are over

 

I LOVE BEING A MOM.

I would be like Sarah Jessica Parker (in Girls Just Wanna Have Fun) as she stands in front of a classroom full of girls and proclaims "I love to dance" with an unmistakable glow.  If you asked me to stand in front of a room full of moms and tell about myself I would most likely begin with "I love to be a mom" and everyone would know by the sound of my voice and the look on my face that I was not messing around.

It's just who I am.  I was the little girl who was obsessed with baby dolls.  I took my favorite baby dolls to church with me in a carseat with a packed diaper bag.  I took it seriously.  It was just natural for me and gave me great joy to take care of babies.  I was obsessed and fascinated with baby items, bottles, strollers, diapers.  I will never forget the Christmas that my Aunt Lisa bought me a real life size baby umbrella stroller.  It was navy blue and made me feel like a real Momma.

I was desperate to take care of babies and went so far as to ask my poor single mother to adopt one.  I can only imagine the look on her face the first time I asked.  I simply had a yearning in my heart at such a young age to be a Momma.

Fast forward a few years and my first niece, Tia was born.  I was head over heels before she was even born.  Her and my sister would be living with us so my dream had come true.  There would finally be a little baby in my house to take care of.  I would sit in the nursery dreaming of what he/she would be like.  I would fold and re-fold onesies over and over and tried to help my sister get ready for this baby in any way I could.  I didn't leave the house for weeks after she was born because I didn't want to miss a minute.  I loved her like she was my own.  She was my little sidekick.  About a year later, I gained another niece and felt like I was in heaven.

Several years after that, I was sitting at a restaurant with Jason on our very first date and informed him that I wanted a lot of babies and that I would be staying home with them.  That was my dream and he needed to know what he was signing up for right up front.  It was basically love at first sight for him so he was already too far gone to protest my future plans.  He wouldn't have anyway.  He fell more in love after hearing my dreams.  He is a good good man and he wanted the same life.

I taught kindergarten and first grade for several years while Jason finished up graduate school.  I could not wait to get our baby making days started.  A little less than four years after we got married, we had our firstborn.  I had fears of not being able to conceive since it was something I so desperately desired and when it happened right away, I was beyond thankful.  I enjoyed every second of that pregnancy.  I am not kidding when I say I would walk out of the bathroom after puking my guts out with a smile on my face.  Jason would laugh as I said, "I am just happy to be pregnant!".  Throwing up was a reminder that there was a baby growing inside of me and I could not get over the amazingness of it all.  I felt more alive and beautiful than ever.

God was so good to us over the next six and a half years carrying us through multiple health scares and blessing us with four beautiful babies.  I loved being pregnant.  I loved giving birth.  I experienced the super long and hard labor that almost ended in emergency c-section, the breech baby that broke my water and had to be a c-section, the epidural that only worked in one leg and nowhere else, the baby who came in 2 hours from first contraction and didn't even give the nurses time to put in an iv or the doctors time to arrive.  I hold these precious stories in my heart so deeply and desperately wish I could re-live every single one.

So now here I am, ten years after that first positive pregnancy test.  I once again feel something in the pit of my stomach but this time it is not a baby, I am back to the yearning for one.  I can't even believe these precious baby making years are over.  It doesn't even make sense how fast they went.  I feel so sad about it and I want them back.  I want to experience every second of it all again.

But I can't.  I have big babies now that still need me but in different ways than my tiny babies did.  They can all get dressed by themselves (with occasional assistance), use a potty, brush their own teeth, and they all know how to sleep through the night.  I know it felt like it was all going to last forever, the nursing, the potty training, the lack of sleep, the cutting up of food into itty bitty pieces.  But it didn't.  It flew by in a flash and I miss it.

I feel like that Grandma in the store that tells you to "Enjoy your little ones cause they grow up so fast".  I am already that Mom and my youngest is only 3.  I am that Mom who is hyperaware of all the things I will miss one day.  I realize how fast it all is going.  I already know that I will start cleaning the bathrooms one day and begin to cry because the toilet does not have pee all over it and there are no tiny toothbrushes lying around.  I will wish I had lunches to pack and homework to help with, and will without a doubt wish I had someone to tuck in at night.

Of course, this perspective and these feelings do not make me immune to frustration and anger with my kids.  We have bad days, really bad days.  Days when I wonder why we had so many of them, days when I feel like I am drowning, and days when I want to run away from all this responsibility of raising four little humans.

And this is why I write down my perspective when it is where I want it.  I can read this on those bad days and remember why I longed for these kids in the first place and why I get up day after day and give this mothering gig my best shot.

This is my mission for today.  To love my family the best I can and not wish for another time but to enjoy NOW while I have it.  They aren't babies anymore and I want to embrace that.  I want to stop looking back longingly but instead look back with peace and gratitude for what once was.  We are in a new season now and though it will be much different than the last, it too will be filled with joy and excitement.  I will give myself permission to let the tears flow when I look back at photos or have a day where baby fever is at an all time high.  All of that is okay as long as I also welcome this new stage in our journey with open arms and an overflowing heart.

mother's day is my favorite day of the year

Ever since I became a Mommy, we have kept Mother's Day simple and stayed home.  But this year, I felt a tug on my heart to go visit the ones that I call Mama & Grandma.  I was so glad we did.  Since my Mom was having so many people over for lunch that day, I didn't think we could keep that fact that the six of us were also coming a surprise.  She knew we were coming for lunch but I thought it would be fun to get up early and meet her at church for a surprise.  However, there was a bit of miscommunication and we arrived at the wrong service along with one of my sisters, two nieces, and nephew.  Oops.  Oh, well, my sister and I enjoyed some laughs about it and headed to Mom's right after church.  

She fixed a delicious lunch for everyone and it was so great to be with them on that special day.  

My 93 year old Grandma is so special to my heart and I loved being able to hug her neck and wish her a Happy Mother's Day in person.

We left Columbus and headed back to meet the other side of our wonderful family at Cracker Barrel.  Good times.  It was our 2nd annual Mother's Day dinner there and we had such a great time.

Mother's Day is my favorite.  I am always extra emotional on that day because of the extreme gratitude overflowing from my heart for my amazing husband and these four precious treasures the Lord blessed us with.  I am in awe of them constantly and so thankful to call them mine.  As if all the love in my life wasn't enough, Jason spoiled me like crazy including a beautiful love letter that made me cry like a baby.

Each night when tucking these little babies into bed, I say right in their ear "I love being your Mommy".  I mean it and my prayer is that they know it and can feel it.  There is nothing better than being the chosen one to mother these four precious gifts.

i love to sew.

Sewing is pretty much magic.  I love pretty fabric and getting to pick that out and then find the perfect pattern for it is something I get giddy about.  I have been sewing for several years now but that has mostly consisted of about a billion bibs, a few blankets, several tooth fairy pillows, and an unknown number of onesie dresses.  My real dream was to make "real" dresses for my girls just like my Mama always did for me.  I have always been so proud to say "My Mom made it" when somebody asked where our girls dresses came from.  Now I can actually say "I made it".  Amazing.

I set a goal to make the girls Easter dresses myself this year.  And I now have 1 down, 2 to go!  I am beyond excited about this dress.  My Mom knew how much I wanted this special Sarah Jane fabric and so it was my birthday present back in November.  It is so beautiful that I was scared to cut into it but I finally found the perfect pattern and decided to make it happen.  I could not love the finished product any more...

The pattern is the Edelweiss dress by Hey June and I feel like I want to make 100 of them.  I finished it in two days because once I begin a project, I become obsessed until it is complete.  The kids may have had to totally fend for themselves but they lived through the ordeal and now one of them has a beautiful dress to show for it.  

I made a few mistakes of course but I am the only one that will notice and I learned so much in the process.  I may or may not have hung it from our mantel as Jason and I watched television last night so I could stare at it.  I can't take my eyes off of it.  I am just kind of shocked that I actually made it.  It is my new favorite item of clothing in our home.  I have the exact one all cut out and ready to sew for Violet.  I will use a different pattern for Avery in a coordinating fabric and I am sure Tyson will end up with a matching tie.  Oh, how I love to sew. 

I had bought another pattern by Hey June when I bought this one called the Greenpoint Cardigan.  I made it as a gift for a good friend's sweet little one year old.  That pattern seriously took me out of my comfort zone and I learned a ton from it.  My favorite part was that I used old t-shirts of Jason's and buttons I had on hand.  I love when that works out.  Here was the finished product from that pattern...

And then I made a coordinating tie t-shirt for the little guy to wear under his cardigan.  Not sure if I have ever been so proud of a present in my life. 

I guess I can now officially call myself a "sewer".  Ah, I love the sound of that. 

Update:  I completed the Easter outfits and all four of our little munchkins wore them proudly to church that morning and even cooperated for a photo shoot afterward.  The little man got a coordinating polka-dot tie made with THIS tutorial.  And I made him a Greenpoint cardigan by Hey June to go with it.  He was completely irresistible.

Then the little girls in their matching dresses made me want to cry.  They were just as excited as I was to wear them which was so fun!  

feeling thankful...

I am thankful that I was raised in a home knowing Jesus and that Jason was a state away being raising the same.  I am thankful for our Moms and Jason's Dad who are responsible for delivering the message of Jesus to us and modeling what it means to think outside of our own desires and put others first.

I am thankful that my marriage is the best thing in my life.  I am thankful that Jason and I just work.  We can't get enough of each other and we make an amazing team.  I am thankful that our babies will never know what it's like to be a child of divorce.

I am thankful that Jason, our kids, and I all have five working senses.  I am thankful that we can run, jump, and play to our hearts content.  I am thankful that allergies are our biggest health concerns right now.

I am thankful that God actually gave us 3 daughters after I spent most of my childhood proclaiming my dream of having 3 girls just like my Momma.  I am thankful that He knows me better than I know myself and gave me a son as a bonus.  He knew I needed Tyson.

I am thankful for a hard working husband which affords me the luxury of being a stay at home Momma to our four precious babies.

I am thankful for a hard working Momma who raised my sisters and I by herself.  I can't imagine how tough it was for her and we did not make it easy but she did her very best and never gave up on us.

I am thankful for old friends.  The ones that you don't see or talk to for months or even years and then pick right back up where you left off.  It's a wonderful thing and I am blessed to have several that fit this description.  They know me well and still love me.

I am thankful for new friends that pull me out of my comfort zone and help me grow as a Christ follower, wife, mother, and woman.

I am thankful for a church that delivers God's word in a relevant and real way that causes me to think deeper.  I am thankful that God has given me a strong desire to honor Him through my words and actions and His grace for when I fail.

I am thankful for public schools with awesome teachers where our kids have an opportunity to be a light.  I am thankful that God continues to bless them at school and reminds me often why He wants them there.

I am thankful that I have a camera to record precious memories and sweet faces that are growing and changing constantly.  I am thankful for photos to remind me of how unbelievably beautiful my life is.

I am thankful that our kids have grandparents that love and adore them and want to spend time with them.

I am thankful for little glimpses of our kids actually internalizing the never ending unconditional love of a Heavenly Father.

I am thankful that my Grandma is still with us and that even though she forgets who I am at times, she still finds a way to make me feel special.  I am thankful that God has used her throughout my life to bring me encouragement and love when I need it the most.

I am thankful for my big sisters who would do anything for me and who I can talk to about anything and everything.

I am thankful for our nieces and nephew who mean so much to us and make us proud to be their aunt and uncle.

I am thankful for my sister-in-law who will listen to me go on and on about how crazy I am and all my mothering fails.  I love that she listens so well and also shares her own parenting struggles.  I am thankful that we can be real with each other and there is no judgement.  I am thankful that I always feel better after our conversations.

I am thankful that I can't relate to women talking about mother-in-laws that they don't get along with. I am thankful that I can genuinely say mine is one of my best friends.

I am thankful for friends and family that love on our babies, for those that also point them to Jesus.  It truly takes a village.  

I am thankful for a cozy home and a nice warm bed to sleep in at night.

And these are just all off the top of my head.  I could go on and on.  I am incredibly grateful for this life I don't deserve.

I can't wait to celebrate life with my family tomorrow.    

old friends making new memories

If you have known me for awhile, you are well aware of my love for Amy Grant music.  I have been a huge fan since I was tiny.  I grew up listening to her music, singing it in front of my church as a little girl, telling everyone I was going to be her when I grew up, and then having her songs sung at my wedding.  God used her music to speak to me in some of the toughest parts of my life.  I was too young at 3 years old to understand what was going on when my Dad left but it hit me hard around 3rd grade and Amy's music helped me so much during that time.  I would just go in my room and listen to her for hours.  It was as if the words came right from my own mind and heart.   When I was pregnant with Avery, I was teaching and had a fairly long commute to work each day. I listened to "Where Do You Hide Your Heart" over and over as we waited and prayed to find out if our daughter would have Cystic Fibrosis.  God is so cool to use music to heal our wounds.

I have always felt like Amy and I were kindred spirits based on the words of her music.  Nobody but me can truly understand the impact and I get teased about my love for her all the time but I don't mind. My love for Amy and her music is personal and runs deep and now I get to pass the love on to my girls.

I have literally dreamed often of meeting her in person and having the chance to tell her how much her music means to me.  I have played the scene over in my head so many times knowing she would want to know how God used her music in such a powerful way.

I was struggling through high school being that girl with "daddy issues" and looking for love in all the wrong places.  Then steps in Stephanie Miller (now Magee).  God brought us together at the perfect time.  We needed each other and we had originally met because somebody told her about my love for Amy Grant.  We were both life long fans and became instant best friends.  We stood by each other and kept each other out of trouble.  Stephanie wasn't sure about life after high school until I invited her to attend Bible College with me.  She actually did and we got to be roommates.  We both met the loves of our lives there.  We were bridesmaids in each other's wedding.  Seven babies were born between the two of us, many miles separated us for years, five years came and went without a visit.  We had lost touch.

Until one day when Stephanie told me about Amy's most recent concert close to Columbus.  I turned it down at first because we were having a birthday party that weekend for Tyson & Mia.  But then she made a plea on Instagram and Facebook that looked like this:

I could not possibly say no and we changed the party date.  During our freshman year of college, 17 years ago, Amy released a new album so our bookstore had this giant cardboard cut-out of her.  We asked them if we could have it when they were done.  Sure enough, they gave it to us and we hung it on our wall along with several other posters of her.  That album along with many others of hers played constantly in our dorm room.  Stephanie's parents are currently moving and just recently found cardboard Amy in a closet so she was determined to use it in an effort to meet the real Amy.

Somehow, her plan totally worked.  I picked her up at home that night since she was closer to the concert venue.  The second we saw each other, it was as if we had never been apart.  We didn't have a second without something to talk about and we laughed like fools.  It was beautiful.  We even got lost on the way to the concert which is totally normal for us.  We had to stop at a gas station and ask for directions because we were not about to be late for this concert.

I wish I had brought my real camera that night but I had no idea what was in store for us.  We ended up making it to the concert on time with cardboard Amy laying down in the backseat of Jason's Mini.  Good times.  We looked something like this walking down to the will call window to pick up our tickets...

Cardboard Amy brought us a lot of attention and we told everyone that would listen about how it had been hanging in our college dorm room so many years ago.  We made a lot of friends that night.  The people at the ticket table asked us if we had been drinking already.  The best part was that we hadn't had a drop.  We were just happy.

  

We sat in the lawn area which was pretty far away from stage but it was a small town festival type thing and everyone was so nice and friendly.  It seemed to be a pretty laid back atmosphere.  There were security guards all around but we made friends with most of them and they loved us for some reason.  We told them our plan to meet her by waving cardboard Amy around like crazy to get her attention.  They laughed and told us they were rooting for us. 

The orchestra played for an hour so by the time Amy actually came out, we had completely caught up on each other's lives.  We were already talking about how we didn't want the night to end.  We felt young and it was so refreshing.  

Once the real concert began, we were loving it and singing as loudly as we could without making enemies with our lawn neighbors.  We continued to discuss a plan to meet her and wondered how we could get her to see cardboard Amy in the dark.  One of our new friends came over and sat by us for a minute telling us that he had told a security guard down by the bathrooms about how he was sitting by Amy Grant fanatics that had a cardboard Amy from college and we were desperate to meet her.  He suggested we just follow along the yellow lines up front getting as close to the stage as we could and yell when things got quiet in between songs.  We laughed.  He actually was drunk.  But it gave us that little extra push we needed to make our way up front.  We left our blanket, grabbed our purses and cardboard Amy and headed to the front.  They allowed people to get very close to the stage while still staying on the other side of the yellow lines.  We were in awe as we stood and listened to her singing so close to the stage.  We talked to one of our security guard buddies for a minute about our plan and then we did it.  We yelled for her to look at us in between songs.  She put her hand over her eyes but could not really tell what was going on.  She did wave to us but went straight into singing another song.  We stepped back a bit and began discussing a plan B when all of a sudden, a security guard that we had not met yet waved us over.  We could not believe it.  He led us to the other side of the yellow line and gave us directions.  He took us to a spot where we could stand, let us know that she was about to sing her last song and then we could call to her when things got quiet.  What?  We couldn't believe it.  We were literally as close to the stage as you could get at this point.  We were pretty much both shaking and my heart was beating extremely fast.  

When the time came, he gave us the nod to start shouting and we did.  He prompted us to move closer so she could hear us better.  The concert had ended and everyone was clapping for her.  We held up cardboard Amy and called her name.  She came to us and leaned down to hold our hands and talk to us for a minute.  She told us she had not been able to see what we were holding.  We told her the story of cardboard Amy and then she said, "Well come on back."  What?!??

We got to follow a security guard to the back of the stage.  She gave us both huge hugs as she stepped down and we began talking a mile a minute like crazy people telling her everything we could think of in the moment.  It was totally surreal to finally be able to tell her how much her music means to me.  Stephanie even mentioned her music being sung at my wedding and she loved that.  I even told her the name of my favorite song.   She was incredibly genuine, kind, and loving.  She thanked us for our words and for bringing cardboard Amy.  She gave us extra hugs and such sweet smiles.  We got a picture on my phone which is horrible quality but so amazing.  It was such a beautiful few minutes and I loved sharing it with Stephanie.  

We walked away in shock and the security guards were all so happy for us.  It pays to be bold and a little crazy!  

What a night.  I wish it could have lasted longer.  I could have laughed with Stephanie all night long.  I keep thinking of more I wanted to share with Amy.  The three of us needed to sit down with a glass of sweet tea and talk for hours.  She was that cool.  Seriously.  

I keep playing the night over and over in my head and just feel so thankful for the whole experience and string of events that led us there.  And even more, I feel so thankful to have an old friend who I can just pick up right where we left off and make new memories with.  Too many blessings to count.  I can't wait to tell my grandchildren about this someday...

like a rock star?

Last night after tucking the babies in, crying like a baby about Tyson turning 6, making Rice Krispie Treats, blowing up balloons, wrapping presents, and then relaxing on the couch for a bit with my love, I finally tucked myself into bed around 11:00.  I fell fast asleep and was awoken suddenly about 2:30 by the sound of Violet's cries.  She was calling for me.  I did what I always do at first when one of the kids wakes up in the middle of the night...pretend it isn't happening, pray to God for mercy, and attempt to go back to sleep.  My method rarely works.  So after I had a few minutes to come to my senses, I realized that this was a very sad cry and my baby needed me.  She rarely wakes up in the night anymore (several months ago I would have thought those words would never come out of my mouth) so I walked the few steps to her and Tyson's room and checked on my baby.  She was sitting up and I could smell the problem.  She threw up her dinner.  Poor baby.  So I got her out of the mess and cleaned up.  She was so incredibly sweet despite the fact that her belly was obviously hurting.  I sat her down on the chair in the loft area and told her I would be right back. She politely replied with a perfect, "Otay".  She sat on the chair with a book and when I was done cleaning her bed, she asked me to read it.  We sat down together and read the book.  She started sucking her thumb right away and I knew she was ready to go back to bed.  I finished the book and told her it was time to go to sleep.  She did not complain a bit as she continued to suck her thumb and laid her head on my shoulder.

I went back to bed feeling sorry for my baby but happy for myself that she is so awesome.  It took me awhile to get back to sleep because I just knew that was not the end of it.  I was doing my best to not wake up an extremely excited birthday boy because I feared he would never go back to sleep.  I have a love/hate relationship with room sharing and strong feelings that one baby up in the night is more than enough.  I had also decided I would not wake Jason unless I was truly desperate.  That poor guy works so hard everyday for this family and I feel like he deserves all the sleep he can get.  I waited and my heart raced with every sound that came through that monitor.  Mia was in the middle of Jason and I as she ends up most nights.  On this particular night, she was attempting to share my pillow and it was not working out so well.  I decided I would never fall asleep until I got her pillow from her room.  Once I was able to move her heavy little head off my own pillow, I fell back to sleep for a few minutes at least.

I woke up 3 more times after this to Violet throwing up with 5:30 am being the last of it.  She got a bath, her sheets were changed, we read books in the dark, we sang songs, and she was put back to bed  four different times until she was finally able to stay asleep.  I went back to bed thinking that surely she got it all out that time.  The alarm was set to go off at 6:30 am so I could get up and shower before the kids woke up to be prepared for Tyson's special day.  I had one more hour available to sleep and I knew that was not enough but it sure felt good to lay down after taking such good care of my precious baby and not waking another soul.  Needless to say, I did not make it out of bed at 6:30 for my shower but Tyson did wake me up at 6:55 ready to party.  I finally got a shower a few hours later and Violet has not thrown up since this morning.  Whew.  And Jason never even knew it all happened until I told him the story. Score.

When the kids wake up for no apparent reason in the night, it makes me crazy.  But when they wake up for a good (or sad) reason, I turn into a rock star.  It's what Moms do.  We rise to the occasion.  I actually prefer to say I was "like a mountain climber or marathon runner" because as a general rule, I have more respect for them than I do rock stars.  Also, mountain climbers and marathon runners are more likely to be without make-up, tired, and dirty just like Moms so often are (or is that just me?).

So in an attempt to celebrate the times I "climb the mountain" or "run the marathon" with grace and a happy heart, I thought this occasion was worth noting.  I have had a countless number of nights like this through my 8+ years of parenting so far and I am sure there are many more to come.  It may seem silly to celebrate something that every mother has experienced but I can be so hard on myself and these small victories keep me moving.   It just feels good to make sacrifices for the ones you love, to care for them like no one else can, and to put their needs above your own.  I sure do love this whole Mommy gig.  It is not glamorous by any stretch of the imagination but it is my calling and I will continue to climb these mountains celebrating all along the way.

my favorite day

Mother's Day is my favorite.  It is always crazy of course with four little ones that are experts at creating chaos in any situation but it never disappoints.  I almost get that "floating on air" feeling like I experience during pregnancy.  As big as my belly gets, I still feel "light" and so in love with life.  Somehow Mother's Day gives me that same feeling.  Jason always manages to make me feel incredibly special and I get to celebrate my dreams come true.  I just feel so incredibly blessed to have had the honor of carrying four babies and now the overwhelming and amazing experience of bringing them up to know the God who gave them to me in the first place.  It is not something I can fully describe.  I dreamed of being a Mommy since I was so small and now it is my reality.  My cup truly runs over...

I only have one request every Mother's Day...a picture of me and my babies together after church.  It's the one day that I am guaranteed to appear in a photo.  We always have fun with it and the kids humor me by being somewhat cooperative because they have learned how important photos are to their Mommy.  

As we were leaving, my precious sweet boy drew a heart in the gravel and said it was for me.  That boy melts my heart on a daily basis.  Not sure what I would do without him and his tender heart.  

We had Chinese for lunch because everyone loves it.  Jason had each kid give me a little "treat" and then he gave me a new sewing machine which is completely awesome!  We spent most of the afternoon outside and then met Jason's parents and sister's family for dinner that night.  I was spoiled and loved on all day long.  It was pretty much the best day ever.  I am already excited for next year...

the harvest

"Let us not become weary in doing good, 

for at the proper time we will reap a 

harvest if we do not give up."

Galatians 6:9

That verse has been hanging on our headboard above my pillow for over a year now because I need the constant reminder.  I struggle with being overwhelmed about caring for and nurturing four babies.  The reason I get overwhelmed is because my goals of perfection are unrealistic and I am too hard on myself.

Weariness takes over so easily and I get sucked into feeling inadequate and want to just give up.  But I can taste that harvest and I want it so desperately.  I want to see these babies grow up to love Jesus and hope they understand they are nothing without Him.  He is everything.  

You know we all have those times when the "crazy" in us comes out in full force.  Like the times when my kids act like fools in the grocery and I am so frazzled by the time we make it back to the van that I (not so gently) snatch them up by their arm and (forcefully) place them in the van all while gritting my teeth and giving them the stink eye.  Yeah, those are times I am not proud of and try to forget.  Why is someone always looking when I mess up?  Doesn't it feel like those crazy times are when you spot an old lady staring you down?   

Why doesn't anyone see us Moms on our glory days?  

You know those days when it feels as if you are floating on air and "doing good" happens so naturally?  Those precious moments when you connect with your babies in a powerful way or use a teachable moment ever so gracefully.  Those are the times when nobody is watching.  I always wish someone was there to share in my joy but it's just me and my babies.  

If only I could keep in mind that someone so much bigger is watching me and knows every single bit of "good" I do each day and has never missed a moment of me in all my glory as a Momma.  He created me to be their Momma and God never makes mistakes.  I was literally made for this.  How cool is that?

So as I try to rock out this parenting thing on a more regular basis, I am reminding myself that the Holy Spirit is right here with me to help and God has not missed a single one of my glory days.  He knows me inside out and gives me plenty of opportunities to strengthen my weaknesses.  I will not give up.  I will keep on praying, trusting, hoping, and believing that God has big plans for the heart of each one of our children.  If I would just use His help that is so readily available more often, my harvest will come in abundance at His perfect timing and my "crazy" days will be fewer and farther between.  

nashville with my man

About once a year Jason and I get away for 1-3 nights usually for our anniversary but it had been almost 2 years so we decided Spring would be the perfect time.  We headed to Nashville again and it was amazing.  I am just sure I say that every time we get away but it is definitely true each time!  

We just love to be together.  It's kind of why we got married.  So anytime that we can be free from distractions and able to look into each other's eyes while we speak and focus on each other is a special treat.  

A road trip with my man, good music, sunshine, blue skies, and a sweet tea is perfection for me.  The road trip is all part of the fun.  In fact, the drive there went so fast we wished it would have been further away because we were having too much fun!  

I love my man.

Nashville was further along with the beautiful colors and flowers of Spring so we had pink petals greeting us by the curb at the hotel.

On the first night, we ate at our favorite...Puckett's Grocery in historic Franklin.  We walked around after dinner and experienced this guy's fun music.  He had a great voice and a style all his own.  We thoroughly enjoyed the entertainment and the weather could not have been more beautiful.

We went downtown Nashville one day and I was so excited to experience Antique Archaeology because I love the show American Pickers.

It is inside the coolest old building.  I want to live in this building.

The inside was super cool and had all kinds of eye candy.

I had to pretend sing at these microphones that were labeled as part of Mike's personal collection.  I know I look ridiculous but it was fun so I don't mind.

Honestly, the store was not as exciting as I dreamed it would be.  It was small, everything was super expensive, and it consisted mostly of shirts and other paraphernalia.  Oh, well.  We had fun anyway and I got some fun photos.

We love this burger place in Franklin called Burger Up.  Their menus and even napkins are so fun.

Even Burger Up's patio is cool with all kinds of different reclaimed wood.  And my date was hot so that was cool too.

We went to a really cool park one morning and climbed some beautiful stone steps and saw a sign for a 2.5 mile hike so we went for it.  So fun and the scenery was incredible.  After the hike, we laid a blanket on the grass and relaxed for quite awhile.  We both agreed our time at that park was the best part.

I got to take my time getting ready each day while he exercised, explored, or just chilled in the hotel with me.  We had no agenda which allowed us to experience total freedom.  As parents of four young kids, freedom is a thing of the past so we were soaking it up.

The last morning we visited a park close to our hotel and took a walk, sat and talked, played on the playground, and had a little sidewalk chalk fun with a piece someone had left behind.

We are so thankful for these times together and are so blessed that Grandma & PaPa are willing to care for the kids while we're gone.  Avery called this getaway our "long date" which made me laugh.  They always have so much fun that they barely know we're gone.  It's a win for everyone.

We come back refreshed and ready to tackle life in all it's beautiful messy glory for the most part. However, the one problem is that coming back to reality can be a bit painful the first few days.  It is so very worth it though and our new sweet memories carry us through the crazy.  

on my mind and in my heart.

"Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance. Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything."

James 1:2-4

Trials come in all shapes and sizes. I consider it a trial when Violet spills a container of pretzels in the living room, when Mia pees all over the bathroom floor, when Tyson gets up at the crack of dawn, or when Avery cries because she does not want to do her homework. 

On a much larger scale, I also consider my parents divorce, being told our baby could have cystic fibrosis, and the tragic death of my niece's baby girl to be trials.   

All of these trials, big and small test me and force me to make a choice…anger or love.  I want to choose love but I don't always succeed. Some days it feels nearly impossible to make the right choice.

What I have learned about myself is that there are times when I crave trials and when I yearn to feel deep in my heart. There are days when I long to experience those moments when nothing in the world matters except the fact that I know God and believe his promises to be true.

I am one of those Moms who loves to be in labor and give birth. Pain from childbirth cannot even be described in words but somehow just thinking about it makes me happy. Why? Well mostly because I get a baby when it's over.  But also because I experienced a physical trial that had to be overcome. I had no choice but to deliver that baby.  I could embrace it and enjoy the amazing experience or I could fight and decide not to ever put myself in that position again.  I chose to enjoy it and if money and space were not factors, you would probably find us on TLC with our very own reality show. I was never the same when I walked out of the hospital after giving birth and I loved that.

I realize that giving birth is a physical hurt and will not damage the heart the way divorce and death can.  But I believe the same ideas apply. I can look at trials put before me in a completely hopeless way refusing to accept them and let them stretch me.  Or I could tackle them head on with God leading the charge knowing it could be overcome.  Trouble will come, there is no doubt about that. I have ridiculous thoughts more often than I like to admit that things are too good and we are so in for it. I don't want to think like that ever. I want to take it all…the good, bad, and ugly and use it to grow.  Trials do not have to stunt our growth, they can take us to new heights we never even imagined.

I never want to remain stagnant in my relationship with Jesus, in the way I love others, or in the way I care for my family.  I want to grow.  I would not be who or where I am today without the trials I have experienced along my path. Trials make us better.  The Bible tells me so.

As we drove to the church yesterday for the funeral of our precious great niece, I was a bit quieter than usual preoccupied with my thoughts of what was to come. I was sad, nervous, and full of fear but ready to cry, grieve, and to feel so deeply something I had never felt before. My eyes were already red from random tears in the car as I entered the sanctuary where my family was waiting.  Nothing could have prepared me for the pain that would come when I saw that precious baby in her casket. I lost it. I had to sit down and let it out. I was shaking and sobbing. It was a horrible feeling in the pit of my stomach and the core of my heart but somehow it felt good. It felt so good to feel. I knew that I would not leave that church the same person I was when I came in.

I felt God's presence more than ever before.  He was there in the words spoken by the pastor, in the hugs from friends, in the flowers sent by loved ones, and in the fallen tears of family members.

I wished more than anything that it wasn't real. I dreamed of the night I drove to Columbus singing at the top of my lungs with the joyous anticipation of Presley's birth. I desperately wanted to go back to that moment and have everything be just like we dreamed it would be.  But God had a plan for Presley and there was nothing we could do to change that. She touched lives and hearts in her short life and when it came time, her Mommy and Daddy chose to bear her pain and let her go. They took away her trial and made it their own. They were confident Presley would be in the arms of God free of tubes and seizures. But they were left with holes in their hearts and the incomprehensible pain that comes with losing a child. I have no idea the pain they felt and continue to feel.  I only know my own. But I pray that they have developed perseverance through these trials and that God will use them and their story to change lives.

So many times, on the other side of a trial, you can look back and find God.  He never leaves us. He is always there fighting for us and loving us every step of the way. I remember my sister calling to get ideas of names for a Facebook page where she could post updates on Presley. She thought it would be an easy way to let family and friends know what was going on.  Little did any of us know, it would not just be friends and family that would be interested in Presley's story but friends of friends and even strangers. As Beth and Tia were out the other day, a woman they did not recognize stopped them and asked if they were the ones from Facebook.  She told them about how she had been directed to Presley's page by a friend and that she was touched by her story.  Contrary to what my Jason may believe, God can even use Facebook to change lives for the better. He is everywhere. You can find Him in the good days, the mundane, and the toughest of days if you simply open your eyes and look around.

Thank you Lord for trials, for showing up, for guiding us through life, for helping us pick up the pieces of our broken hearts. Thank you for giving us so many chances to feel deeply, to grow, and to persevere.

12 things i have learned so far on this parenting journey.

We are only 7 1/2 years down this parenting road and I just thought it would be fun to reflect on some random things I/we have learned so far on this great adventure as parents to our four little blessings.

1. Our kids go through a countless number of phases, stages, seasons, whatever you choose to call it.  I can't even tell you how many times I have said to Jason in desperation, "I feel like I lost him/her. What happened? Why is he/she acting this way?"  As soon as I utter the words, they move on to something else.  A new phase, stage, or season begins and I find myself trying to "figure them out" all over again.  I have learned not to lose sleep over a certain behavior (unless it gets completely out of control) because they are just figuring out their way in this world and will move on eventually.

2. On toys:  We learned to force encourage them to give up a few toys before the holiday season each year to share our blessings with others and avoid feeling like our home is a well stocked toy store.  We learned quickly that their favorites are never the ones we think they should be but instead random toys that probably came from a yard sale or were handed down. Experiences are far better than toys for all of us so we began asking family to contribute to classes they are interested in taking or family vacation rather than a bunch of toys for birthdays and Christmas.

3. Pre-determined crafts do not work for my babies.  I learned this early on with Avery.  I would be  excited and prepare a specific craft for her and then she would do her own thing every single time.  So these days, we don't really do crafts, we simply have "art time" where paper, crayons, markers, scissors, glue, etc. take over our kitchen and they come up with the most beautiful creations.

4. A clean house is so overrated.  A clutter free house is not. Ain't nobody got time for serious cleaning with any number of kids, but especially 4+.  After I spend time and energy to clean the house, it looks just as it did before I began in an hour or less.  It's kind of like a zoo around here.  I am okay with that as long as I let go of expectations for a super clean house.  However, clutter makes me crazy. There are too  many people in this house to live peacefully among clutter so things are picked up but the dusting, sweeping, mopping, etc. do not occur on any kind of regular basis.  We certainly don't live in filth, but on most days, I choose to leave the dust.

5. I learned not to buy super nice clothes and shoes for school.  Recess and art class team up to completely destroy any nice clothes Avery wears to school.  We save the super cute ones for weekends.  I have also learned how to shop for our kids.  We buy just about everything to mix & match.  We keep it simple and in coordinating colors so that when they pick out their own clothes it is a little easier on the eye.

6. No more perfect Christmas trees.  This one took me awhile.  I love to decorate.  Christmas trees are so much fun and I like the garland, lights, and ornaments perfectly spaced out.  I had to let it all go.  The last two years, they have decorated the tree themselves.  I still rearrange a few ornaments after they go to bed because I am a little crazy but for the most part, I leave their creation alone.  It doesn't matter. Nobody cares about a perfect Christmas tree.  Perfection is boring, right?

7. Celebrate parenting successes no matter how small at the end of each day.  I am incredibly hard on myself in every way possible.  I will fret for days over a specific interaction I have with one of our children.  It's silly.  I know I can't be perfect but I just want so darn bad to be.  I have recently learned to focus more on the positives of my/our parenting.  When you are looking for the positive and choosing to focus on it, suddenly the negative slice on the pie chart gets drastically smaller.  Perspective is a beautiful thing.

photo courtesy of jason

8. Always get "real" clothes on before dropping off kids at school. You never know when the first snow might fall which could cause an accident that makes you late in which case the doors are closed and you have to walk your child to the office in old and much too big pajamas that make you look like you slept on the street the previous night.  Yes, I learned this one the hard way.  Just yesterday morning as a matter of fact.  I will spare you a photo this time.

9. My mood drastically effects everyone in the family. I have learned to not begin the day with an agenda (my own agenda).  If I have in my mind a list of things I want to get done, I find myself doing whatever it takes to check off those items.  I am a woman on a mission and pity the poor little souls that get in my way.  So instead of thinking I will mop the kitchen floor, vacuum the entire house, clean all bathrooms, and change everyone's sheets, I might just simply dust the living room. My goals for each day are much more realistic now and anything else that gets done is a bonus. Having realistic goals and achieving them gives me that much needed sense of accomplishment and nobody gets hurt along the way!  I really do set the tone in our household.  It's a scary fact.  Thank God that His grace is sufficient even for me.

10. I learned the hard way not to force them into potty training.  We started Avery at 18 months by recommendation from our pediatrician (another lesson learned: while I love and respect our doctor, he does not always know best).  We potty trained her for the next 18 months and it caused unnecessary stress for all of us and left me with feelings of regret and guilt that still haunt me even after six years.  We now let our kids potty train themselves and Tyson & Mia were 3+ years old but that is fine and it only took about a week.  I am so very sorry our poor guinea pig firstborn Avery.

11. My favorite times in the whole world are when the six of us are playing together in the living room without agenda or when a random dance party breaks out.  During those times, it almost seems as if time stands still, peace washes over me, and my heart is full.

12.  There are days when bedtime cannot come soon enough.  Days when I want to yell at them just for looking at me.  Days when I get tired of hearing the name "Mommy".  But I have learned that the good days outweigh the bad ones.  The bad days make the good days that much sweeter.  And as soon as I think I can't take it anymore, I will have a day when I can't get enough of our kids.  Days when I stare at them in awe and can't believe they are mine.  Days when Jason and I can't stop talking about how awesome they are and how blessed we feel to be their parents.

And we are only rookies.  There is so much more to learn.  I can't wait to see what adventures await our family over the next 7 years...