on my mind and in my heart.

"Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance. Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything."

James 1:2-4

Trials come in all shapes and sizes. I consider it a trial when Violet spills a container of pretzels in the living room, when Mia pees all over the bathroom floor, when Tyson gets up at the crack of dawn, or when Avery cries because she does not want to do her homework. 

On a much larger scale, I also consider my parents divorce, being told our baby could have cystic fibrosis, and the tragic death of my niece's baby girl to be trials.   

All of these trials, big and small test me and force me to make a choice…anger or love.  I want to choose love but I don't always succeed. Some days it feels nearly impossible to make the right choice.

What I have learned about myself is that there are times when I crave trials and when I yearn to feel deep in my heart. There are days when I long to experience those moments when nothing in the world matters except the fact that I know God and believe his promises to be true.

I am one of those Moms who loves to be in labor and give birth. Pain from childbirth cannot even be described in words but somehow just thinking about it makes me happy. Why? Well mostly because I get a baby when it's over.  But also because I experienced a physical trial that had to be overcome. I had no choice but to deliver that baby.  I could embrace it and enjoy the amazing experience or I could fight and decide not to ever put myself in that position again.  I chose to enjoy it and if money and space were not factors, you would probably find us on TLC with our very own reality show. I was never the same when I walked out of the hospital after giving birth and I loved that.

I realize that giving birth is a physical hurt and will not damage the heart the way divorce and death can.  But I believe the same ideas apply. I can look at trials put before me in a completely hopeless way refusing to accept them and let them stretch me.  Or I could tackle them head on with God leading the charge knowing it could be overcome.  Trouble will come, there is no doubt about that. I have ridiculous thoughts more often than I like to admit that things are too good and we are so in for it. I don't want to think like that ever. I want to take it all…the good, bad, and ugly and use it to grow.  Trials do not have to stunt our growth, they can take us to new heights we never even imagined.

I never want to remain stagnant in my relationship with Jesus, in the way I love others, or in the way I care for my family.  I want to grow.  I would not be who or where I am today without the trials I have experienced along my path. Trials make us better.  The Bible tells me so.

As we drove to the church yesterday for the funeral of our precious great niece, I was a bit quieter than usual preoccupied with my thoughts of what was to come. I was sad, nervous, and full of fear but ready to cry, grieve, and to feel so deeply something I had never felt before. My eyes were already red from random tears in the car as I entered the sanctuary where my family was waiting.  Nothing could have prepared me for the pain that would come when I saw that precious baby in her casket. I lost it. I had to sit down and let it out. I was shaking and sobbing. It was a horrible feeling in the pit of my stomach and the core of my heart but somehow it felt good. It felt so good to feel. I knew that I would not leave that church the same person I was when I came in.

I felt God's presence more than ever before.  He was there in the words spoken by the pastor, in the hugs from friends, in the flowers sent by loved ones, and in the fallen tears of family members.

I wished more than anything that it wasn't real. I dreamed of the night I drove to Columbus singing at the top of my lungs with the joyous anticipation of Presley's birth. I desperately wanted to go back to that moment and have everything be just like we dreamed it would be.  But God had a plan for Presley and there was nothing we could do to change that. She touched lives and hearts in her short life and when it came time, her Mommy and Daddy chose to bear her pain and let her go. They took away her trial and made it their own. They were confident Presley would be in the arms of God free of tubes and seizures. But they were left with holes in their hearts and the incomprehensible pain that comes with losing a child. I have no idea the pain they felt and continue to feel.  I only know my own. But I pray that they have developed perseverance through these trials and that God will use them and their story to change lives.

So many times, on the other side of a trial, you can look back and find God.  He never leaves us. He is always there fighting for us and loving us every step of the way. I remember my sister calling to get ideas of names for a Facebook page where she could post updates on Presley. She thought it would be an easy way to let family and friends know what was going on.  Little did any of us know, it would not just be friends and family that would be interested in Presley's story but friends of friends and even strangers. As Beth and Tia were out the other day, a woman they did not recognize stopped them and asked if they were the ones from Facebook.  She told them about how she had been directed to Presley's page by a friend and that she was touched by her story.  Contrary to what my Jason may believe, God can even use Facebook to change lives for the better. He is everywhere. You can find Him in the good days, the mundane, and the toughest of days if you simply open your eyes and look around.

Thank you Lord for trials, for showing up, for guiding us through life, for helping us pick up the pieces of our broken hearts. Thank you for giving us so many chances to feel deeply, to grow, and to persevere.

a very special christmas

We celebrated at my Mom's house the weekend after Christmas and had a wonderful day together. Presley was, of course, the highlight of our day. It was awesome to have her with us and watch her sleep in the same cradle that multiple generations have slept in including grandparents, aunts, her Momma and cousins.

Violet was totally enamored with Presley. She spent much of her time next to the cradle "talking" to her and patting her. It was incredibly precious.

Another highlight was the presence of my only living grandparent, Grandma Smith. Jason and Tyler escorted her into the house and she was so happy to be there.

Grandma finally got to meet Presley, her very first great-great grandchild. It was as if Violet was introducing them to each other.

At one point, Grandma prayed over Presley and I don't think there was a dry eye in the house.  I just know Presley was feeling the love that we were all feeling that day.

I had a chance to capture a few mother/daughter shots of Presley and Tia.  This one is my favorite.

Mia got french braids from big cousin Alaina. She has always loved to have her hair brushed and it looked as if she was about to fall asleep.

Stockings are a big deal at Mom's house but there are so many of us now that I think we spent about 2 hours going through them. So much fun but a bit exhausting.  We might need a new plan for next year.

My Aunt Debbie always makes the kids the coolest ornaments. She calls Tyson "Cracker Boy" based on his ridiculous obsession with crackers so that's what he got this year.  Ha. I love it.

Avery's mermaid was adorable and I wish I had photographed the others too.  All of them equally adorable.

Mia sung a song for everyone which reminded my Mom and sisters of me as a little girl. I was always putting on a show. She is definitely my girl.

My Mom held Presley for the first time and said it was the best Christmas present ever. When I looked at the photos later, I smiled big as I noticed the bag next to them. So perfect for this moment.

I was honored to be able to get my hands on sweet baby Presley too. It was incredibly emotional and amazing. I felt like I was holding an angel and I loved every minute.

Violet was not excited when I held Presley. She just kept saying "Momma" over and over and cried like crazy while I held her. None of the other kids had ever done that. Pretty obvious she is the baby of the family.

She was fine once I put Presley down. She continued to be interested in her and love on her just so long as she wasn't in my arms.

The day was full of laughter, tears, hugs, and kisses. Looking back on these photos, I am at a loss for words to fully describe the day and the emotion behind it.

It was a very special Christmas, one that we will never forget.

presley met jesus today

As of 3:49 pm this afternoon, Presley is free. No more medicine, tubes or seizures.  She is resting peacefully in Jesus' arms. 

We are so thankful for her precious life.

processing it all

Sometimes I hesitate to pour my heart out on this blog because I am not sure if is for my own glory or His or sometimes because I am just plain scared of what people will think. I often pray to be open to His calls so I am not sure where to begin but I know that it has been laid on my heart to share where I am at right now…

I was raised knowing Jesus and I will forever be grateful for that. I can't fathom a life without His presence, peace, grace, and love.  My faith has been tested many times but not as drastically as it has over the last 3 months.

I have told the story of our precious baby great niece. She has had more health issues in her 3 months of life than anyone should ever have to endure. She is a fighter. She breathes through a trach and eats through a g-tube. She has early myoclonic epilepsy. The doctors are not even sure if she can see.

She is completely perfect.

She went into cardiac arrest this morning and was life-flighted to Children's Hospital where she is currently with her Mommy, Daddy, and Grandma. She has an infection in her trach, air in her intestine walls, and definitely had a lack of oxygen.

Since Presley was born, my sister and I have shed many tears as we sat in silence on the phone together trying to process it all.  This morning when I received the call, I didn't know how to respond.  The tears remained welled up in my eyes but didn't fall and I felt sick to my stomach. I had no idea what to say to my sister knowing her pain was 100 times worse and that the hurt I feel in my heart is nowhere close to the intense pain Presley's Mommy & Daddy are feeling.

So as my sister and I sat on the phone together once again this afternoon, I told her I was tired of praying for a miracle. I just am. I know with all my heart that God is capable of miracles but right now, it just doesn't feel like that is His plan. I felt a peace wash over me as my sister and I hung up the phone this morning. I felt a sense of comfort knowing that Presley going home to Jesus would be an amazing thing. God has used her to change so many lives and bring so many people to their knees in prayer. Just the thought of our little sweet "P" in Jesus' arm without tubes makes my heart feel so peaceful.

But I am not the one who carried her for 9 months and went through hellish labor ending in surgery to get her out. I am not the one who has selflessly cared for her in such an intense and loving way. It is her Mommy, our niece. She is only 20 years old.  She is tough. She has strength that can only come from God.  I am sad about all that she has had to endure and wish I could take it all away. Wish we could all wake up from this horrible nightmare. I am not sure what to pray for at this point.

It is a strange thing watching close family members go through a hardship unimaginable to most. I hurt for them and want to be there and hug them so tight but instead I get to wipe bottoms, give kisses, make meals, and clean counters.  All things that Tia wants to be doing with Presley.  But instead she is sitting next to her in the hospital praying for her life.  It is so horribly unfair.

I debated on whether or not to go to my MOPS group this morning. On one hand, it would feel great to pretend it wasn't real and be with friends. On the other hand, I felt guilty about that and wondered if I should just stay home and pray. But since I have little ones who can't fully grasp what is going on, I headed to MOPS and soaked up all the smiles and talks with fellow Mommas.  Nobody there knew what had gone on with Presley this morning and for those couple of hours, I was happy about that.

After Presley was born and we found out she was dealing with several health issues, I grieved for a few days. I shed a ridiculous amount of tears and cried out to God more than ever before. I just knew she was going to get better. She had to. The story was too crazy. I wasn't present in my own home for several days.  I was impatient, angry, and absent. It wasn't fair to Jason or the kids but I wasn't sure how to go about life while my niece was dealing with such difficult news about her new baby. Jason let me grieve, he let me be that way for a few days and then he helped me come back. He helped me see that I wasn't helping anyone with my behavior and that my family needed me. It was just so hard to balance the hurt and the blessings. I felt guilty for enjoying my own babies and so desperately wanted Tia to experience the amazingness of becoming a mom for the first time.

While my heart is hurting for my niece, her boyfriend, and my sister, I have the ability to go about my life and come back to the reality of the situation later. Tia & Tyler live it every second. They dreamed about their first baby for 9 months just as the rest of us do but their story didn't turn out like they had hoped. So many of our stories don't end up as we have dreamed in our head. It's just so hard to understand why things like this happen or why some people seem to face more hardships than others.

I picked up my Jesus Calling devotional a few days late on January 6th and this is what I read…
"Do not be discouraged by the fact that so many of your prayers are yet unanswered. Time is a trainer, teaching you to wait upon Me, to trust Me in the dark. The more extreme your circumstances, the more likely you are to see My Power and Glory at work in the situation. Instead of letting difficulties draw you into worrying, try to view them as setting the scene for My glorious intervention. Keep your eyes and your mind wide open to all that I am doing in your life."

more of presley's story

Our precious great niece, Presley Renee is now one week post surgery.  Her Mommy & Daddy were able to finally hold her again a couple days ago.  We were all happy about that!  They were even told that she may come home in as a little as 1 month rather than 3!  God is so good.  

She will have a home nurse daily to help with her care once she is home.  Her Mommy & Daddy have been strong and positive and can't wait to be a family outside of the hospital.  

photo courtesy of my sister beth

She has little chicken legs and long feet and toes.  It's adorable.  She is completely perfect.

Jason and I were able to visit her last weekend while we were in Columbus.  It was awesome and we are all in love.

We continue to pray for Presley to breathe and eat on her own…for complete healing.  I have felt God's presence in a mighty way since the day she was born.  Perspective is a wonderful thing and in times like this, so much of this crazy life becomes clear.  Jesus is all we need.  He is truly all that matters.  So many people have been on their knees crying out to God because of this tiny little life.  He has already used her in amazing ways and we know there is so much more to come.

Jason played this song one night after some tough news about Presley.  I want this to be the anthem of my life and I simply can't wait for precious baby Presley to learn about her Savior...