on my mind and in my heart.

"Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance. Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything."

James 1:2-4

Trials come in all shapes and sizes. I consider it a trial when Violet spills a container of pretzels in the living room, when Mia pees all over the bathroom floor, when Tyson gets up at the crack of dawn, or when Avery cries because she does not want to do her homework. 

On a much larger scale, I also consider my parents divorce, being told our baby could have cystic fibrosis, and the tragic death of my niece's baby girl to be trials.   

All of these trials, big and small test me and force me to make a choice…anger or love.  I want to choose love but I don't always succeed. Some days it feels nearly impossible to make the right choice.

What I have learned about myself is that there are times when I crave trials and when I yearn to feel deep in my heart. There are days when I long to experience those moments when nothing in the world matters except the fact that I know God and believe his promises to be true.

I am one of those Moms who loves to be in labor and give birth. Pain from childbirth cannot even be described in words but somehow just thinking about it makes me happy. Why? Well mostly because I get a baby when it's over.  But also because I experienced a physical trial that had to be overcome. I had no choice but to deliver that baby.  I could embrace it and enjoy the amazing experience or I could fight and decide not to ever put myself in that position again.  I chose to enjoy it and if money and space were not factors, you would probably find us on TLC with our very own reality show. I was never the same when I walked out of the hospital after giving birth and I loved that.

I realize that giving birth is a physical hurt and will not damage the heart the way divorce and death can.  But I believe the same ideas apply. I can look at trials put before me in a completely hopeless way refusing to accept them and let them stretch me.  Or I could tackle them head on with God leading the charge knowing it could be overcome.  Trouble will come, there is no doubt about that. I have ridiculous thoughts more often than I like to admit that things are too good and we are so in for it. I don't want to think like that ever. I want to take it all…the good, bad, and ugly and use it to grow.  Trials do not have to stunt our growth, they can take us to new heights we never even imagined.

I never want to remain stagnant in my relationship with Jesus, in the way I love others, or in the way I care for my family.  I want to grow.  I would not be who or where I am today without the trials I have experienced along my path. Trials make us better.  The Bible tells me so.

As we drove to the church yesterday for the funeral of our precious great niece, I was a bit quieter than usual preoccupied with my thoughts of what was to come. I was sad, nervous, and full of fear but ready to cry, grieve, and to feel so deeply something I had never felt before. My eyes were already red from random tears in the car as I entered the sanctuary where my family was waiting.  Nothing could have prepared me for the pain that would come when I saw that precious baby in her casket. I lost it. I had to sit down and let it out. I was shaking and sobbing. It was a horrible feeling in the pit of my stomach and the core of my heart but somehow it felt good. It felt so good to feel. I knew that I would not leave that church the same person I was when I came in.

I felt God's presence more than ever before.  He was there in the words spoken by the pastor, in the hugs from friends, in the flowers sent by loved ones, and in the fallen tears of family members.

I wished more than anything that it wasn't real. I dreamed of the night I drove to Columbus singing at the top of my lungs with the joyous anticipation of Presley's birth. I desperately wanted to go back to that moment and have everything be just like we dreamed it would be.  But God had a plan for Presley and there was nothing we could do to change that. She touched lives and hearts in her short life and when it came time, her Mommy and Daddy chose to bear her pain and let her go. They took away her trial and made it their own. They were confident Presley would be in the arms of God free of tubes and seizures. But they were left with holes in their hearts and the incomprehensible pain that comes with losing a child. I have no idea the pain they felt and continue to feel.  I only know my own. But I pray that they have developed perseverance through these trials and that God will use them and their story to change lives.

So many times, on the other side of a trial, you can look back and find God.  He never leaves us. He is always there fighting for us and loving us every step of the way. I remember my sister calling to get ideas of names for a Facebook page where she could post updates on Presley. She thought it would be an easy way to let family and friends know what was going on.  Little did any of us know, it would not just be friends and family that would be interested in Presley's story but friends of friends and even strangers. As Beth and Tia were out the other day, a woman they did not recognize stopped them and asked if they were the ones from Facebook.  She told them about how she had been directed to Presley's page by a friend and that she was touched by her story.  Contrary to what my Jason may believe, God can even use Facebook to change lives for the better. He is everywhere. You can find Him in the good days, the mundane, and the toughest of days if you simply open your eyes and look around.

Thank you Lord for trials, for showing up, for guiding us through life, for helping us pick up the pieces of our broken hearts. Thank you for giving us so many chances to feel deeply, to grow, and to persevere.