my baby-making days are over

 

I LOVE BEING A MOM.

I would be like Sarah Jessica Parker (in Girls Just Wanna Have Fun) as she stands in front of a classroom full of girls and proclaims "I love to dance" with an unmistakable glow.  If you asked me to stand in front of a room full of moms and tell about myself I would most likely begin with "I love to be a mom" and everyone would know by the sound of my voice and the look on my face that I was not messing around.

It's just who I am.  I was the little girl who was obsessed with baby dolls.  I took my favorite baby dolls to church with me in a carseat with a packed diaper bag.  I took it seriously.  It was just natural for me and gave me great joy to take care of babies.  I was obsessed and fascinated with baby items, bottles, strollers, diapers.  I will never forget the Christmas that my Aunt Lisa bought me a real life size baby umbrella stroller.  It was navy blue and made me feel like a real Momma.

I was desperate to take care of babies and went so far as to ask my poor single mother to adopt one.  I can only imagine the look on her face the first time I asked.  I simply had a yearning in my heart at such a young age to be a Momma.

Fast forward a few years and my first niece, Tia was born.  I was head over heels before she was even born.  Her and my sister would be living with us so my dream had come true.  There would finally be a little baby in my house to take care of.  I would sit in the nursery dreaming of what he/she would be like.  I would fold and re-fold onesies over and over and tried to help my sister get ready for this baby in any way I could.  I didn't leave the house for weeks after she was born because I didn't want to miss a minute.  I loved her like she was my own.  She was my little sidekick.  About a year later, I gained another niece and felt like I was in heaven.

Several years after that, I was sitting at a restaurant with Jason on our very first date and informed him that I wanted a lot of babies and that I would be staying home with them.  That was my dream and he needed to know what he was signing up for right up front.  It was basically love at first sight for him so he was already too far gone to protest my future plans.  He wouldn't have anyway.  He fell more in love after hearing my dreams.  He is a good good man and he wanted the same life.

I taught kindergarten and first grade for several years while Jason finished up graduate school.  I could not wait to get our baby making days started.  A little less than four years after we got married, we had our firstborn.  I had fears of not being able to conceive since it was something I so desperately desired and when it happened right away, I was beyond thankful.  I enjoyed every second of that pregnancy.  I am not kidding when I say I would walk out of the bathroom after puking my guts out with a smile on my face.  Jason would laugh as I said, "I am just happy to be pregnant!".  Throwing up was a reminder that there was a baby growing inside of me and I could not get over the amazingness of it all.  I felt more alive and beautiful than ever.

God was so good to us over the next six and a half years carrying us through multiple health scares and blessing us with four beautiful babies.  I loved being pregnant.  I loved giving birth.  I experienced the super long and hard labor that almost ended in emergency c-section, the breech baby that broke my water and had to be a c-section, the epidural that only worked in one leg and nowhere else, the baby who came in 2 hours from first contraction and didn't even give the nurses time to put in an iv or the doctors time to arrive.  I hold these precious stories in my heart so deeply and desperately wish I could re-live every single one.

So now here I am, ten years after that first positive pregnancy test.  I once again feel something in the pit of my stomach but this time it is not a baby, I am back to the yearning for one.  I can't even believe these precious baby making years are over.  It doesn't even make sense how fast they went.  I feel so sad about it and I want them back.  I want to experience every second of it all again.

But I can't.  I have big babies now that still need me but in different ways than my tiny babies did.  They can all get dressed by themselves (with occasional assistance), use a potty, brush their own teeth, and they all know how to sleep through the night.  I know it felt like it was all going to last forever, the nursing, the potty training, the lack of sleep, the cutting up of food into itty bitty pieces.  But it didn't.  It flew by in a flash and I miss it.

I feel like that Grandma in the store that tells you to "Enjoy your little ones cause they grow up so fast".  I am already that Mom and my youngest is only 3.  I am that Mom who is hyperaware of all the things I will miss one day.  I realize how fast it all is going.  I already know that I will start cleaning the bathrooms one day and begin to cry because the toilet does not have pee all over it and there are no tiny toothbrushes lying around.  I will wish I had lunches to pack and homework to help with, and will without a doubt wish I had someone to tuck in at night.

Of course, this perspective and these feelings do not make me immune to frustration and anger with my kids.  We have bad days, really bad days.  Days when I wonder why we had so many of them, days when I feel like I am drowning, and days when I want to run away from all this responsibility of raising four little humans.

And this is why I write down my perspective when it is where I want it.  I can read this on those bad days and remember why I longed for these kids in the first place and why I get up day after day and give this mothering gig my best shot.

This is my mission for today.  To love my family the best I can and not wish for another time but to enjoy NOW while I have it.  They aren't babies anymore and I want to embrace that.  I want to stop looking back longingly but instead look back with peace and gratitude for what once was.  We are in a new season now and though it will be much different than the last, it too will be filled with joy and excitement.  I will give myself permission to let the tears flow when I look back at photos or have a day where baby fever is at an all time high.  All of that is okay as long as I also welcome this new stage in our journey with open arms and an overflowing heart.